Funny Directions Funny Step by Step Directions
Bagpiper at a Funeral
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;
"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."
Needed directions in Hollywood last weekend
So last weekend in Hollywood i managed to get lost so i approached a fancy looking black couple and asked for directions . . .
They gave me their baby.
A man is new in town
A man is new in town and asks the next passerby for directions:
"Excuse me, could you please tell me where the church is?"
"Yeah, it's on 3rd street."
"What, right next to the brothel?"
"What? No! The brothel is on 17th street."
"Oh, I see. Thank you very much!"
Van Gogh was never good at following directions.
Everything that he was told simply went in one ear and out the- oh wait a minute...
So a 400 pound lady walks into a gas station to get directions..
she walks in and says "How do I get to 280?"
A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"
Boy VS Girl Friends
A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.
She says: You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you
The boyfriend says: Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow ?
Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?
I got jumped by three black men downtown the other day...
They were quite polite the whole time they were jumping me. Even gave me directions to the nearest auto parts store so I could get a new car battery.
I once read the directions on the back of my shampoo bottle. It said to wash, rinse, and repeat.
They found me passed out in the shower four days later.
There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:
The directions say the medication must be taken with food.
Why does it take millions of sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because none of them will stop for directions
Why did the stutterer get shot in the ghetto?
He was asking for directions for the "k-k-k-mart."
You can explore directions use as directed reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean directions gps dad jokes. There are also directions puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What...you coming empty handed?"
Why do Republicans hate lotion?
Because the directions say to apply it liberally.
Stutter
An old man walks up to a kid waiting at a bus stop. He says to the boy h-how d-d-do I g-get t-to high st-street? The boy looks at him but doesn't answer. The old man asks the boy a second time, and no answer. By this time, another man came by the bus stop, and gave the directions. Knowing the boy as being a local kid, he says to him "why didn't you give that man directions? Your local you know where it is." The boy replied "d-did you t-think I-I w-wanted m-m-my a-ass k-k-kicked?
how do you know when a prescription is being written for bulimia?
when the directions for use say take one pill twice a day
Why do single women take advice from other single women?
That's like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask for directions.
Why was hitler bad with directions?
Because three reichs don't make a left.
A man asked for directions to the guillotine festival...
It's just ahead.
Star Trek Discovery is going to have a female lead which will ruin the series.
The male captains wandered around aimlessly getting into trouble.
She will just ask for directions and head straight to the destination.
Just one word
With the new school year, teachers hand out those "we'd like to know more about you" forms for the students to fill out. One of the questions was "Use one word to describe yourself". My son's answer:
"Can't follow directions"
If I had to describe myself in one word...
...it would be "bad at following directions."
You know what's really dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.
What's dumber than that?
Reading them.
Even dumber?
Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.
My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up...
So I just packed my bags and right...
I asked a sailor for directions to a brothel. [NSFW]
He pointed to a building and said "Thar she blows"
I recently bought a German car, but the navigation system is all messed up.
It only gives directions to Poland.
My dad said he unscrambled a word out of the directions on his compass.
That's news.
A man wanted to go to the hospital. He asked his mother for directions.
She said just close your eyes and cross the street, they will come and get you themselves.
Always carry some fiber cable with you when hiking
If you get lost, just bury it in the ground. A backhoe will be along shortly to cut the cable, and you can ask for directions.
Do you know why it takes one sperm out of a million to fertilize one egg?
Because no man will stop and ask for directions...
I heard that Chicago had a world renowned shooting range. So I went to go check it out. When I got there I couldn't seem to find it, so I asked for directions...
The guy I asked gave me a funny look and said, The city of Chicago is the shooting range.
NSFW Why are women so bad with directions?
They can't tell distance. They've been told 5 inches is actually 8 inches so much it's ingrained.
A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.
Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England . One of the women replies No idiot. Wales!!!!
The Foreigner is taken aback. I'm sorry, let me start over he says. Excuse me. Do you two whales happen to be from England?
"This is not fair!"
said the Russian guy who got bad directions to the fair
An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....
An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"
Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"
The Englishman says "In the car."
Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"
A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?
The brunette.
The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
Why is Hitler so bad at giving directions?
Because all he says is "take the Third Reich"
Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.
After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.
Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.
Two in one direction, then one to the side.
Hm, funny how the knight moves.
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"
A blind man ask me for directions to get to the bar.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, but neither does the blind man.
Why does it take 250,000 sperm but only one egg to make a baby?
Because they just refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Duckiiiiiies
Two philosophers sat chatting in a bar, when one posed a question to the other. Imagine to yourself there were two ducks; one that could not stop moving in a certain directions, and could not be stopped, and another which could not by any means move or be moved. Say they were on a collision course, what would occur?
The other philosopher sat and sipped at his drink before replying, I truly don't know... What a pair o' ducks!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because they won't stop to ask for directions.
My boyfriend is always annoyed that I always mix up my directions, and he finally told me to leave,
So I packed my bags and I right left away
An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.
He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from Latin he says, "Adducere me ad Marriott deversorium"
The cab driver nods and puts the car in gear. As he into traffic he says, "Wow, you sure haven't been to Rome for a long time."
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are divorcing.
After naming their kids after directions they're the ones going south.
Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again, he says.
The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. You missed the best act, says his friend. While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and pissed into the orchestra pit.
What did the Mandalorian say when someone asked him for directions?
This is the way
What do you call a large reptile who's great with directions?
A good navi-gator.
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
You're coming empty handed"?
A visit to my grandmother
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.
When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......
One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...
Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?
Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.
One time I was alone and got lost in downtown Chicago, and got jumped by four black guys.
They were real nice, car started right up, and they even gave me directions back to the interstate.
Why can't republicans use hand sanitizer?
Because the directions say to apply liberally
Why did the mathematician spill all of his food in the oven rather than a cooking tray?
The directions said, Put it in the oven at 180° .
My friend said I was bad at directions.
So I got up and right.
This row between Kim and Kanye is getting more serious than ever.
It's really going to send their daughter in two directions.
Kim and Kanye's divorce is rough on their son, North West.
It's like he's getting pulled in two different directions.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions ?
A palindromedary
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